El Scorcho
I'm writing a short film for my cousin's high school film festival... here's all I've got so far. Female input would be appreciated. I feel like my female dialogue is slipping since I haven't been keeping up with Gilmore Girls as of late.
INT. JAMIE’S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
Jamie sits behind his computer, head phones on. The glow of the computer shines on to his face as he types.
JAMIE (V.O.)
I can’t believe it’s almost four in the morning.
INT. SUZZANNE’S BEDROM - EARLY MORNING
Suzzanne sits at her computer with a beaming smile on her as she types.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Totally. We’ve been talking for like six hours now.
Cut between Jamie, Suzzanne, their computer screens and surroundings as they speak.
JAMIE (V.O.)
I know. I’ve never really clicked with someone this fast before.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Yea. It’s like you’re Lloyd Dobler and I’m Diane Court.
JAMIE (V.O.)
(Laughs)
Exactly. Okay, let’s play a game.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
What kind of game?
JAMIE (V.O.)
What’s my favourite colour?
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Blue. What’ my favourite album?
JAMIE (V.O.)
Pinkerton by Weezer. El Scrocho rules, by the way.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Beyond.
JAMIE (V.O.)
What’s my favourite video game?
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Street Fighter. Who is my Backstreet Boy?
JAMIE (V.O.)
AJ. Everyone’s favourite is AJ. Who could resist those soulful stares into the camera.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
(Laughs)
I know I can’t.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Who is the greatest wrestler of all time?
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
(Blah)
Sixteen time World Heavyweight Champion Nature Boy Ric Flair.
JAMIE (V.O.)
(Triumphant)
Thank-you. Finally, I know a girl who understands that Hogan is just a fraud.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Okay. What is my favourite movie?
JAMIE (V.O.)
Well, duh, it’s my favourite movie too. Say Anything, 1989, written and directed by Cameron Crowe, starring John Cusak, Ione Skye, and Frasier’s father, John Mahoney.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
(Excited laugh)
You are such a geek. I love that.
JAMIE (V.O.)
(Emabarassed laugh)
Yea. Not many people enjoy my useless knowledge.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Well I think it’s hilarious.
JAMIE
Thanks.
An awkward pause.
Jamie’s mind paces as he sits in his chair. He anxiously and nervously wants to ask her something.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Do you wanna meet?
He quickly backs away from his computer after typing.
Suzzanne nervously reads his question.
SUZZANNE
(Nervously)
Do I want to meet?
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Sure... When? Where?
JAMIE (V.O.)
Umm... I don’t know. How about tomorrow?
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Yea, I’m free. Around 5?
JAMIE (V.O.)
Sounds good.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Where?
JAMIE (V.O.)
There’s this great little cafe’ on Christie Road and Penny Lane that I love.
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Oh... The Stinger Splash. I love that place. I’ve probably seen you there before.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Yea, maybe.
(Pause)
So... meet you there tomorrow at 5?
SUZZANNE (V.O.)
Sounds good to me.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Alright.
SUZZANNE
I guess we should go to bed now. My mother would lay the Smackdown if she knew I was talking online to some guy I’ve never met before.
JAMIE
Me too... Luckily I don’t talk to many guys online.
Suzzanne laughs and types “LOL”
SUZZANNE
Good night, sunshine.
JAMIE
Good night.
Suzzanne signs off as the light from the screen shines on her face and then goes dark.
Jamie lies in bed as his monitor turns off.
INT. SUZZANNE’S BEDROM - AFTERNOON
Suzzanne sits on the floor of her room surrounded by clothes. Her best-friend, Monica, is lying down on her bed reading an Us Magazine.
SUZZANNE
I don’t have a single thing to wear.
MONICA
You have a million things to wear. You’re on top of the Mount Everest of Gap and American Eagle.
SUZZANNE
Yea, but it has to be perfect, but I can’t look like I’m trying too hard, but I can’t look like a slob, and I don’t want to wear something that makes me look fat -
MONICA
- Do you think Brad and Angelina’s baby will be ugly? Like maybe it’ll pop out with like gigantic lips and poorly bleached hair?
SUZZANNE
(Flustered)
Hello, I’m in crisis here and you’re ranting about Brangelina? And he never should have left Jennifer Aniston.
MONICA
Crisis? You’re meeting some guy you met online? It’s not that big a deal.
SUZZANNE
You don’t understand, this guy seems really sweet. We spent hours last night talking, hours, just talking. And you only get one chance to make a first impression. And after all the time we spent talking he’s probably hyped me up in his mind so much that I have to be ACAP.
MONICA
ACAP?
SUZZANNE
As cute as possible.
MONICA
I can’t believe you’re just meeting this guy after just one night of talking. How do you know he’s not some weirdo or something. Maybe he’s a murder or a Nickleback fan?
SUZZANNE
He’s not a murder and we’re meeting in a very public place.
MONICA
Fine, he’s probably not a murder and he’s probably just your average teenage boy that likes wrestling and video games. But Suzzanne, I mean, don’t you think it’s a little soon to be dating? You and Matt broke up not even two weeks ago.
SUZZANNE
(Shy)
Well, yea, that’s true, but I’m totally over Matt.
MONICA
How can you be over Matt? I’m sure this internet boy is nice and all, but you and Matt were together a year and you still haven’t told me, ME, your best-friend why you broke up.
SUZZANNE
(Trying to find the words)
He was just so... Like, he just didn’t... He was always...
MONICA
What? Gorgeous? Beautiful? Perfect? He was six two, played on the hockey team and used his older brother’s ID to get us beer. What on earth did you think was wrong with him?
SUZZANNE
He was just so boring.
MONICA
Boring?
SUZZANNE
I mean, he was nice and everything but every week of our lives ever since we got together. Friday I’d go watch his game, Saturday we’d watch a movie, Sunday we’d watch the Simpsons, Monday we’d go to McDonald’s for Big Extras because they’re on sale.
MONICA
But that’s what a relationship is. It’s not all roses and a boy standing outside of your window with a boombox. Newsflash Suzzanne, Lloyd Dobler doesn’t exist.
SUZZANNE
(Slightly breaking down)
I’m not saying I think everyday of my life is going to be exciting moment after exciting moment, but I’m a teenage girl and I want to feel a little romance and excitment and I don’t want to be stuck with somone because I feel like I owe him. Do you know what me and Matt did on my birthday? It was a Wednesday so we went for Whoppers at Burger King like we always do and he said “Happy Birthday” and started to eat his burger. He didn’t get me anything, he didn’t say I love you, he didn’t even kiss me. I’m not asking for Lloyd Dobler, but don’t I at least deserve a little romance, at least one day in my life.
MONICA
Yea, you do.
A beat.
Monica picks up a shirt off the floor and hands it to Suzzanne, kind of hugging her at the same time.
MONICA (CONT’D)
(Light Serious)
Here, wear this one. It shows off your boobs.
SUZZANNE
(Laughs)
Thanks.
A beat.
MONICA
You know, your humps.
SUZZANNE
Yea, I get it.
MONICA
Your humps, your humps, your humps, your humps. Your lovely lady lumps.
SUZZANNE
Yes, Monica, that was the joke.
INT. JAMIE’S BATHROOM - AFTERNOON
Jamie stands in front of the mirror getting ready for his date. He splashes his face with cold water and stares into the mirror.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Okay, Jamie, you can do this. It’s no big deal, it’s just a date. Okay, granted, you’ve never really been on a date before and granted you tend to either be a total mute or make a complete ass of yourself when meeting new people, but that’s okay. This girl likes you, she wouldn’t have agreed to this unless she liked you, right? Well, maybe it’s just some huge trick? Maybe someone’s just playing a prank on me and when I get there a bucket of pig’s blood’s going to fall on me just like in Carrie. Who can you trust on the internet? Most of the hot girls on there are guys anyways. No, I’m sure this isn’t a prank. I mean, who stays up until four in the morning for some elaborate joke?
A knock on the door by Jamie’s brother Pat.
JAMIE
What!
PAT
Dude, did I leave my Maxim in there?
JAMIE
No, go away.
PAT
I’m going to go in there looking for it once you’re done. And do me a favour - Light a match.
Jamie looks into the mirror.
JAMIE
Okay, Jamie, get your head into head into this. Remember the three I’s - Intensity, integrity, intelligence, Intensity, integrity, intelligence. Don’t spaz out tonight, okay? Be yourself. Don’t blabber on about Street Fighter and how Chun-Li would smoke Lara Croft in a hand to hand combat. Just assume she knows this. And don’t just freeze up and answer her with yeses and nos and light grunts and noises that don’t really make sense.
Pat knocks on the door again.
JAMIE
I told you it isn’t in here.
PAT
Yea, but now I really gotta take a whiz.
JAMIE
I’ll be done a minute.
PAT
We may not have a minute but okay.
Jamie looks into the mirror again.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Okay, a checklist. Gel? Check. Smooth shave? Check. Deodorant?
Jamie checks his armpits and makes a face as he notices the odor. He picks up two cans off the counter.
JAMIE (V.O.)
Okay, Axe or Tag? In the Tag commercial the girls attack the guy once he sprays, but in the Axe commercial, the girl doesn’t get off his back once they get off the motorcycle. Hmm...
Jamie thinks to himself for a moment and makes a face saying “What the hell” and begins to spray both cans on himself.
JAMIE
(Seriously)
Okay, this isn’t a big deal. You look good, you smell really good, and she’s going to like you. You are the man. You are Ric Flair.
Jamie takes a deep breath and opens the door. Pats enters.
PAT
It’s about damn time.
Pat looks on the counter and notices the Maxim is sitting on it. He shoves it in Jamie’s face.
PAT
See! I told you my Maxim was in here.
JAMIE
Don’t you have to pee?
PAT
There’s always time to gloat.
Pat makes his way to the toilet, unzips and you hear him peeing as Jamie is still in the bathroom.
PAT
(Singing)
Uptown girl! She’s been living in a white bread world. I bet she never had a backstreet guy. I better her mama never told her why, I’m gonna try. REEEE MIX! Woh, woh, woh woh, for the longest time!
Jamie rolls his eyes at his brother and exits.
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